#MeToo Story Number 28 - By Victorious

 I was in an abusive relationship for 10 months starting at the end of my junior year stretching into the second half of my senior year. Watching from the outside you always think that you could never be a victim of a situation like that until you’re actually caught in the middle of it.

The abuse is never upfront, they wait until you trust them and slowly they change their behavior. First it’ll be a small thing you did to annoy them, and then every word you speak will be turned and misconstrued against you. Classic frog in hot water situation, they make you feel like you deserve it or maybe they’re just in a bad mood. If you confront them they get defense and tell you that’s not how it happened and lash out or give a half ass apology. You quickly learn to stop asking because it’s easier and safer to just take it. They will put their insecurities onto you, cheating or lying partners is the excuse for them to snap at you, go through your phone and accounts, or accuse you of cheating. They will feel entitled to your space and privacy and excuse their possessiveness as “love”. 

I barely remember that night because I was so terrified that I forced myself to forget. The day before she had told me that she didn’t want to break up with me but said I “needed the choice”, so basically she told me to break up with her. I think she held this over me so that I’d cling to her as long as I could, and I fell for it. That night she suggested I sneak out to see her. I left early in the morning and she took me up to her room. The only thing I remember after that was pain, it was the first time for me and I got scared so I asked her to stop. All I could say for the next 2 minutes was “no, stop your hurting me”. She just told me to be quiet. That only encouraged her to be more aggressive and the only thing I could do was close my eyes and imagine being anywhere but there. I couldn’t push her off because she tied me so I couldn’t move or resist and I couldn’t scream because I was paralyzed and in her house. After the only thing she said was “your lucky that I controlled myself because I could’ve done much worse and I wanted to.” 

I was confused and didn’t know what to think. I didn’t go through the same emotional process as what’s typically portrayed. I didn’t feel like a needed a shower and I didn’t experience nightmares or flashbacks. Honestly i can’t even remember what day it happened and I’m very glad for that. I felt very disconnected with what happened, like it was just a fever dream. I tried to confront the situation but she denied I ever said no and that it never happened. She got so angry that I never brought it up again. I never thought she could do something like that to me because she herself was a survivor of sexual assault. 

It has been over 9 months since the assault and 4 months since I finally pulled myself out of that relationship. It is only now that I have come to terms with it and today was the first time I cried thinking about it which lead me to search for a place to share my story. Luckily this quarantine has prevented me from seeing my assaulter and I will be moving on to my next chapter in life. This has not and will never define me, and for all of the survivors out there; for everyone despite clothing, gender/sex, age, relationship status. You all are brave, sting and beautiful. Like the lotus we’ve grown despite our murky environment and will continue to bloom.